Locating Thesis Statements of Peers

Toepel Essay Peer Review
Your Name: ________________________________ Writer’s Name: _________________________________________
1 How does the title of the essay affect you as a reader?
The title makes me interested to know the story that the writer will discuss in the essay.
Locate the thesis paragraph(s). How can the thesis paragraph (usually NOT the first paragraph) be stronger and clearer? Is the writer convincing there? What would you suggest be added to make it clearer and more emphatic?
The second paragraph provides the thesis of the narrative. Adding figures would make the paragraph more emphatic. For example, when the author mentions money as the main reason for the existence of factory farming, providing the figures in the industry would increase the emphasis and prove to the reader that there is a lot money to be considered.
2 Can you locate a paragraph of opposing argument? Does the opposing argument offer examples? How can the writer more successfully use an alternative viewpoint to clarify his or her Slant or thesis?
The third paragraph contains the opposing argument. The opposing argument does not offer examples. Providing examples is one approach that the writer can employ to be more successful in their clarifying their thesis. For instance, showing how the food industry has created a false narrative would be helpful.
3 How effective is the opening paragraph in engaging and interesting you as a reader, and how can it be improved?
The opening paragraph is effective in getting the reader’s attention. It can be improved by avoiding unnecessary repetitions.
1 Which body paragraphs need improvement? What are they lacking? Are they lacking support? Explanation from the writer? Examples? Be specific.
Paragraphs 1, 2, & 3 need improvement. The first one contains a few repetitions of the phrase “their own story” that should be removed. The second paragraph does not provide the figures to support the notion that money is the reason that the food industry does not protect the animals and the methods used at the farms are cruel to them.
2 How can the writer be more effective? Are there stylistic ways the writer can make the essay more enjoyable to read?
The use of stylistic devices can help the writer to be more effective. The author can benefit from using juxtapositions and oxymorons in order to show the contradictions and reveal the truth that he/she is trying to convey in the article.
3 How can the conclusion provoke ideas beyond the thesis? Does the conclusion give you a sense of some larger implications of the essay, and add something new to your understanding?
The conclusion provokes ideas beyond the safety of animals and the harm caused by food industry. It highlights the idea that the simple act of rejecting factory farms and focusing on helping the animals can transform the world and promote love and peace.
4 Your overall suggestions (Be specific, and avoid “like,” “dislike,” “good,” “bad”):
The essay was effective in provoking the reader to think about the meat industry. However, the lack of evidence to highlight the problems that the writer seeks to highlight affect the effectiveness ...