Final Project

Audience: I don’t believe that the audience was properly addressed in this draft. I was very confused throughout the paper of who you were truly writing too. You stated very briefly that your target audiences are people familiar with the campus including continuing students and faculty tutors as well as visitors and disabled people and this is an extremely broad audience. You alter went on to state that your primary audience is the ICampus development team. I think you should focus the paper more towards them since they will be the ones who you will be writing to and working with to bring this app to fruition.

Evidence: I don’t believe that there is enough evidence in this draft so far. There is one secondary resource parenthetically cited with no works cited at the end of the paper. Along with the lack of secondary sources, the results of your primary sources were not used at all in this paper. When you go to write your final draft make sure to include the results of your primary sources such as your surveys and interviews and incorporate them in seamlessly.

Overall Cohesion: When reading this paper I became very confused many times. There were many grammatically problems which I took the time to edit in the attached document with track changes. Fixing these grammatical errors alone would have given the paper greater cohesion. Grammar aside, I still didn’t feel a good flow to the paper when I was reading. It seemed as if the paper was just kind of all over the map. Along with that, you never truly addressed the problem in this draft. I realize that the draft was supposed to work with your solutions but even so, the problem that you are finding a solution to should still be referenced throughout.

Reports:Solutions: I don’t believe that any of the solutions in this paper are clearly or concisely defined. When it comes to someone like me, who might not be up to date with the latest in the world of technology, it helps to spell out what you are doing at the beginning of each proposed solution or topic that you wish to discuss. One sentence is all that is needed for you to sum up the main idea that you are diving into, just so the reader can gain a better understanding. However, if you are truly writing to the ICampus team, they would most likely be able to understand the language. Having a topic sentence before each proposed solution or idea is still helpful for the overall organization of the paper.

     Overall, your solution is to create the app that will help in multiple facets of getting around campus and to events. I would make sure to reference the problem more often than it was mentioned in the draft to clarify that you are not just making an app to put an app out there but rather this app is to address the current problem of “x”.