Discuss Event Transition from Childhood to Adulthood

This is for my common app essay. The word limit is 650 words.The Prompt #5: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Here is my draft. I need help on making it more formal and flow good. I also need help with rewriting the part when I talk about my job; I want it to say like I am not taking the easy route= just keeping my job with my parents company. Instead, even though I had an easy route I wanted to challenge myself and get another job for myself even if the job isnt as great. Also, I need more help on explaining what it is like being a twin why is it good/bad. Good= you have someone that will always be there for you, you always have someone beside you, have your best friend everywhere. Bad= people judge us before actually getting to know this individually,especially with school and friends; you arent used to doing things on your own, might be hidden from what your own identity is. Then I need my thesis to be good in the beginning, I want it to say that I have grew as a person as a brave, independent, and a risk taker. Or if you have something better than thats fine. Also, when I wrote about being a Dorm Counselor, I want to show how I am a leader and grew from that. I just want this to be more proper, flow together, and find the good in everything. make me stand out. Here is my draft.
Our lives are full of accomplishments…hopefully. Finding a sense of individualism is one accomplishment that I hold dear to my heart for more reasons than one. I was born a twin; we were the babies of a large family. Throughout my life, everything that my sister and I were involved in was something done together, we were dressed the same, had the same friend group at school, played the same sports, along with the rest of the typical twin stuff. However, I feel that going to a high school that was boarding school in Los Angeles, eight hours away from my home, with my twin sister by my side, has helped and hurt me in ways that most people may not be able to understand.
My sister and I clung to each other for safety and security in a place so foreign and far from the comfort of our family. This dependence on one another built a closer and stronger relationship between my sister and I. However, soon enough, we were known as “the twins” by both the faculty and students. We were not seen as individual persons with individual lives rather as two parts to a whole. For the sake of the essence of this essay, I am not going to talk about the negatives about having a twin sister but rather what I have learned , I have developed a confidence that has allowed me to thrive in any environment, with or without my sister. Recently, instead of continuing to work at my parents company, I decided that I wanted to prove to myself that I could achieve something on my own. So I went out and applied to a number of retail stores in the area to get my own job. I quickly accepted the offer to work at Abercrombie & Fitch, having always wanted to work there. It took determination to go through the whole process but I completed it. Working at Abercrombie & Fitch gave me the opportunity to challenge myself to either succeed or fail, on my own. One of my first days at work, I was in the stock room, and another associate was teaching me how to put price tags on clothing. When I was clipping the security tag on a pair of jeans, I accidently got my finger caught and started to bleed so much that it stained the pants. This was an embarrassment for me, but when I look back, I find a way to laugh about it.*DONT WANT THIS^ I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW I TOOK THE HARDER ROUTE WHEN I HAD THE EASY. I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN MY FAMILY TO DO THIS.
Being a part of the Dorm Counsel at my school has helped me become a leader within my community. I have developed a strong sense of compassion for my school and the peers around me. Being a dorm counselor has given me the courage and confidence to speak to either adults on duty or just upper and lower classman. I have gotten the chance to help others in need, whether it be to vent or have someone to talk to during stressful times. I was surprised by how many girls that I was not particularly close with, found the courage to come up to me for some comfort or advice, and I loved it.