Peer Review on Making a Thesis Statement

Essay Peer Review
Your Name: ___________________ Writer’s Name: ________
1 How does the title of the essay affect you as a reader?
The essay has no title. Hence, as a reader, it is hard to discern what the writer’s focus is.
2 Locate the thesis paragraph(s). How can the thesis paragraph (usually NOT the first paragraph) be stronger and clearer? Is the writer convincing there? What would you suggest be added to make it clearer and more emphatic?
The writer could make the thesis paragraph stronger and clearer by narrowing down the focus of the paper. Also, the paragraph should have included more background information on prisons. The writer is not convincing because the thesis paragraph has no clear sequence. I would suggest that the writer start by providing an overall view of prisons. Then she should explain the importance of prisons. Before writing the thesis statement, the writer should explain why prisons are disadvantageous to convicts.
3 Can you locate a paragraph of opposing argument? Does the opposing argument offer examples? How can the writer more successfully use an alternative viewpoint to clarify his or her Slant or thesis?
The writer provides one paragraph of opposing argument. However, in the argument, she does not offer examples. The writer could have used an alternative view more successfully by providing an example of an ex-convict who has reformed and managed to stay out of trouble.
4 How effective is the opening paragraph in engaging and interesting you as a reader, and how can it be improved?
The opening paragraph is not engaging enough. The writer moves too quickly from the opening statement to the thesis statement. There should be more information between these two sentences to show why there is a need to understand the demerits of prisons.
1 Which body paragraphs need improvement? What are they lacking? Are they lacking support? Explanation from the writer? Examples? Be specific.
The first body paragraph needs improvement. While all the other body paragraphs have examples and quotes to support the thesis, the first body paragraph is left hanging.
2 How can the writer be more effective? Are there stylistic ways the writer can make the essay more enjoyable to read?
The writer can be more effective by using more vocabulary. For instance, the word ‘people’ is repeated excessively throughout the paper. The writer can also make the essay more enjoyable to read by placing the opposing argument as the last body paragraph. This is the usual way of writing an essay with a counterargument.
3 How can the conclusion provoke ideas beyond the thesis? Does the conclusion give you a sense of some larger implications of the essay, and add something new to your understanding?
The conclusion does provoke ideas beyond the thesis. It helps one understand that although prisons are necessity in the United States, they appear to do more harm than good.
4 Your overall suggestions (Be specific, and avoid “like,” “dislike,” “good,” “bad”):
I think the essay fails in terms of structure. The writer should have provided their argument before presenting the opposing argument. Also, I think the essay would hav...